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On Christmas Morning- My baby's very first Christmas

Friday, December 26, 2008

Jack seemed to really enjoy his very first Christmas.... he relished taking apart the presents & inspecting each little piece of wrapping paper- carefully rolling the pieces of tape back & forth between his fingers. He loved staring at the tree we finally brought in (as we'd been keeping it on the porch knowing both he, and our kitty Boston, would have it destroyed in no time- hence the lack of ornaments...) in awe of the twinkly lights & probably just the mere fact we had a tree in the house. Like a sweet little child who has yet to figure out that there are sometimes more than just one present to open, he was more than happy to continue playing with his first gift- an xylophone and needed to be coaxed into checking out his others- a tambourine & a baby music player- our little budding musician.
My heart cheered when he peeked into the handmade Christmas stocking with a new lovie blanket & felty ornament with his name & a little deer (which some have commented looks like a lamb.....) tucked inside. I had made him these gifts with the hopes of giving him something straight from my heart...I envisioned him looking back someday as an awkward teenager, embarassed by the sentimentality of his silly mother, but at least momentarily touched by something made especially for him. I do that a lot- I write in his journal & make him things & take photos- all while thinking- someday, I hope he looks back & knows that he was really loved. I know that I so treasure the few existing photos of me & my mother & cherish the bright yellow baby blanket she made just for me.

As if often said, it's easy to forget or neglect-or perhaps avoid- Christmas' real meaning of promise & hope & faith & sacrifice. How blessed I am to have my little baby boy's authentic joy remind me. All the weight heaped on by years of trying to create perfection, avoid heartache, find love, fill voids, are all shed through my motherhood...

...because for me, it is not so much that Jack is mine, but that I am his.